We won't sleep together?
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
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