I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
Randomize
