Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
