Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
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