windsor, ontario is like a poor man's amsterdam
no, it is just poor
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
