Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Randomize
