True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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