ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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