My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
