DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
