How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
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