I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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