so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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