Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
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