Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
