Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
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