as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
