First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
