The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Randomize
