this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
