dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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