I am midnight drunk by noon
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
So gin and wine won't be happening again
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
