I wish I could punch you in the face.
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Randomize
