Plan B is the new Plan A
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
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