I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
