don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
