im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
