Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
Randomize
