Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Randomize
