I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
You can't special order awesome
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Randomize
