I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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