i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
There's even glitter on my cock...
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