Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
