Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
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