omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Randomize
