We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
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