So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
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