fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
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