If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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