Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
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