your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Randomize
