someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
