I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
