Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
