i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
