I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
