i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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