so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Randomize
