Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
