remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
